How to set healthy boundaries
Recently quite a few clients have talked about boundaries; how to set healthy boundaries particularly in relationships and with family members, and how to enforce boundaries. As a follow up from these discussions, I promised to have a think and email the clients some extra info once I’d found a good resource. But, probably because there is so much focus and awareness on boundaries currently in social media etc, I found it hard to pinpoint one credible, clear, and succinct ‘how to’ for boundaries. So I did this brief summary which the clients found helpful; and I hope you find it useful too, as we know how important healthy boundaries are for self care.
First things first - the importance of setting boundaries
The key thing to know, and be aware of, is that boundaries underpin self worth and self respect. We set, respect, and hold our own boundaries. By holding a boundary and saying ‘no’ to others, we are essentially saying ‘yes’ to ourselves. And sometimes the ‘no’ is not to others, but to ourselves, clearing the way for a different or future ‘yes’. What I mean by this is, for example, holding a boundary around impulse spending, in order to save for a future financial goal or to keep current finances healthy. Or saying no to ourselves when we want to watch another episode of something on Netflix, so we can stick to a bedtime boundary and be able to say yes to having energy tomorrow.
Core types of boundaries are:
Time. This can include setting aside time for yourself & saying no to things that would cut into that time. Or setting time for others (eg. Kids / friends) and not letting other things impede that time. Often this can be a great one to get started on. For example blocking out time for key things & people. Time for self (walks, exercise, reading etc). Time with loved ones. Time for learning / reflection / journalling / scheduling etc - whatever helps your life run well.
Stuff. By stuff I mean physical things, clutter, purchases. So it is essentially a physical boundary, in terms of how much space you give to things, like clothes, kitchen stuff, toys, paper etc. Also a bit of a mental boundary; how much mental space your physical stuff takes up. For many people, too much stuff in the physical environment is distracting, and can be stressful. This is another great option to get started on, as you can break it down into chunks. For example a boundary may be around food containers; allocate a drawer and if it doesn’t fit in there, it has to go.
Some others are:
Physical
Sexual
Emotional (& mental)
Financial (& material)
Spiritual (& religious)
How to decide & set boundaries
Slow down
Pause and tune into how you feel / what you notice in your body & mind. Notice how you feel, especially physically, around boundary issues. For example your energy after dealing with a difficult person in your life, or your mood after you consume sugar / alcohol / drugs / porn as a way to avoid something or ‘feel better’.
Engage your curiosity
Try to spot trends or patterns. Times when boundaries slip. Notice the Choice Points you have at these times. Choice Point is a tool that we can use to help us ’steer’ a bit better in tricky situations. Essentially choice point is the recognition that we make many decisions daily, and some of those choices will take us towards who & how we want to be, and some will take us away (so it’s not about right or wrong, but about our direction).
Recognising Choice Points is helpful with boundaries, as it highlights those times when a boundary would be helpful; where putting a boundary in place can make the choice easier, more automatic.Reflect on what boundaries are involved.
For example a time boundary, if we turned our attention away from our own stuff to answer a demand from someone - a demand could be responding to a call or message, or doing something for them.
Our consumption of stuff could be the physical boundary in terms of how we treat our body and what we put into it, a sexual boundary with porn, a financial boundary with gambling or shopping etc.
And some will overlap (e.g. drugs can be physical in terms of taking them, financial in terms of paying for them, and time in terms of time then lost from other things)
4. Choose your boundaries / focus
Decide which boundaries will give you back the most if you set and hold them. Which will create the most positive change for you.
5. Define those boundaries for yourself.
What You will or will not do. Remember - boundaries are for you and your behaviours - they are not about trying to change someone else’s behaviour as we can only control our own words and actions. If you are focusing on what others Should or shouldn’t do, your focus, and your energy, is in the wrong place.
6. Communicate the boundary
Communicate the boundary calmly and clearly to others as appropriate.
If it’s a boundary around Tim Tams for example, you might not communicate that with anyone except yourself. Or you might say to someone, ’no thanks, I’m avoiding sugar’. While you might encounter someone who encourages you to have the Tim Tam, or have the drink, or place the bet, this is a great reminder that the boundary is yours to hold; you say no.
If the boundary is very much about how you will act in regards to another person, remember to frame it from your point of view. ‘I’m not always able to answer your call. If I don’t answer please leave a message or text me, and I’ll get back to you’. ‘If I haven’t answered there’s no point in you continuing to call or sending multiple messages; I’ll get back to you once I’m available’. And then You hold the boundary - you don’t answer or respond until it suits you - until you are physically AND mentally / emotionally available.
7. Hold the boundary for yourself, with yourself, and with others.
8. Repeat; it will become a habit.
9. And adjust as necessary
Boundaries may change over time. Remember they are something you put in place to enhance your wellbeing. If they become unhelpful then start back at step one; pause, reflect, and adjust.
As ever, thank you for reading and please get in touch with any queries, or if I can help you work on setting and holding some boundaries.