Self-care (and how it helps in supporting others)
Apply own oxygen mask first - a blog on self-care (and how it helps in supporting others).
Over the last few weeks I’ve been watching and listening to presentations from the 2020 Mental Health Academy Suicide Prevention Summit. This is the second year I’ve (virtually) attended the summit, and I wanted to share some of the insights and information that the Summit delivered on suicide prevention. But where to start? With a topic like suicide; do I share some of the information on how adults can help family and friends who they are concerned about. Or self-help information for people having suicidal thoughts? Or particular strategies to help men, as a group that we know has a higher risk? I’ve watched so many informative and insightful presentations over the last few weeks that I wasn’t sure what I could distil into a helpful blog.
But then I sat down to watch one more presentation, and the analogy of ‘apply own oxygen mask first’ came up and, having used that phrase myself with many clients, including one earlier that day, it resonated as being as good a starting point as any.
What do we mean by ‘apply own oxygen mask first’?
Well, when we hear it on a plane it means get your mask on first, so you’re sorted and able to help other people without passing out yourself. In terms of self-care, it means looking after your own health and wellbeing, so you’re able to be at your best and feeling good yourself, as well as being able to continue to help others. These words, attributed to the Dalai Lama, sum it up much better "In dealing with those who are undergoing great suffering, if you feel “burnout” setting in, if you feel demoralised and exhausted, it is best, for the sake of everyone, to withdraw and restore yourself. The point is to have a long-term perspective."
Self-care is not selfish
The bottom line is that self-care is not selfish - If we’re no use to ourselves, we’re no use to anyone.
Self-care is particularly important at the moment as we’ve been in isolation, physical distancing, lock-down, whatever we’re calling it. A quick scroll through Facebook will show people experiencing lock down in very different ways; many working from home, some who were helping kids with learning at home, some struggling to get out to the shops, some doing shopping and errands for elderly relatives and neighbours as well as themselves; and most working out different ways to deal with change, including the ongoing changes as we return to ‘the new normal’.
There has been plenty of advice going around! “How to exercise at home”; “how to come out of lockdown having learned a new skill” (and the underlying theme that you’ve failed if you don’t); and way too many mummy/parent wine memes. Elements of it have been overwhelming, so perhaps a focus on the basics of self-help is the easiest and most effective way to ground things a bit.
Self-care basics
I often talk to clients about the foundations of wellbeing, and for me that means:
· Sleep
· Diet and exercise
· Connection (including connection with self, nature and purpose)
To support getting the right amount of sleep for you, try the following strategies:
· Have a consistent bedtime, and a consistent bedtime routine
· Avoid stimulants like caffeine in the late afternoon or evening (2.00 pm is my coffee cut off, but it does vary from person to person)
· Screen time and bedtime do not mix. Scrolling through news and social media at bedtime can keep you awake, as looking at a screen triggers your brain to stay alert.
· However, having your phone beside the bed doing a guided meditation or a sleep story / audio book can be really useful (for example using the Smiling Mind app). Just remember to have the phone on silent :)
Get moving
And remember exercise doesn’t have to involve the gym. One easy way to get moving and feel great is by dancing. Put on some favourite music and dance around the room, or the backyard. I’m a massive fan of getting outdoors and exercising outside, whether that’s dancing, running, walking, or yoga in the park. Being outside also serves to increase our connection with nature.
Find Balance
This includes moderation in terms of alcohol and comfort food, and also applies to taking time to focus on other aspects of your life. Keep the balance between work, family, supporting others and self by ensuring that each day you’re thinking beyond the person you’re concerned about and trying to help. Take time to chill out with other friends and family members, read, garden, watch MasterChef. Do the things that you enjoy, and particularly activities where you find your flow – the things you get so engrossed in that time passes and you’re completely focused on what you’re doing.
Worry time
Set aside “worry time” – 15-20 minutes each day where you indulge your worries. Write them down, so you can look back at the end of the week and pick out common themes, or simply run through your worries in your head. This strategy can help stop your worries from taking over at other times throughout your day.
Practice Gratitude
End the day with gratitude; reflect on what went well during the day, and set yourself up for more good things tomorrow. (Gratitude journals, or Apps like “3 good things” are great tools).
So, what of the initial topic?
I started off talking about supporting people who are struggling with thoughts of suicide or self-harm. I’ve included links in my opening paragraph to best practice resources; organisations like Beyond Blue, and the #you can talk campaign, where you’ll find not only expertise and advice, but also forums and groups to connect with others for support. If you’re keen to support a friend, relative or colleague but are unsure of where to start or what to say, the below do’s and don’ts were tested and affirmed in recent research by Angela Nicholas, Alyssia Rossetto, Anthony Jorm, Jane Pirkis, and Nicola Reavley, from the Centre for Mental Health at the University of Melbourne.
To help someone you are concerned about:
· Ask them how they are feeling
· Listen to them carefully, and without judgement
· Ask how you can help
· Ask directly about suicide, including specifically asking if they have been thinking about suicide, and if they have a plan and the means
· Call a crisis line
· Make an appointment with a professional; offer to take the person to the appointment and go with them
And what not to do:
· Don’t talk to the person about what they have going for them, or tell them that you know how they feel
· Don’t talk about how this would hurt their family and friends
· Don’t try to solve their problems, and
· Don’t try to convince them that suicide is wrong.
Thanks for caring about the people in your life and reading through this blog on how to help them while also taking care of yourself. Please get in touch with any questions. And if you or someone you’re supporting needs help right away, please contact:
Lifeline – 131114
Beyond Blue - 1300 22 4636