We’re nearing the end of November as I write this, and my Facebook feed has plenty of ‘xx days to Xmas’ posts popping up. For some, this means ‘woo hoo it’s almost December, I can legit put the tree up at the weekend!’ But for others, it can be more of a sinking feeling. Are you one of the many who find Xmas stressful? Or lonely? Or a time of sadness and loss? Does the thought of the big family gathering fill you with dread? What if there is no big family to gather with; what if you’re alone at Xmas and feeling isolated?

And as we come to the end of ‘a year like no other’ the expectations of Christmas seem to be more full on than ever, including adverts to help us ‘make it bigger than Christmas!’. One thing is for sure; very few people have a Christmas that looks like all the happy adverts! And that’s probably a good place to start; with setting realistic expectations.

At the outset, acknowledge whatever it is that’s coming up for you. If it’s anxiety around spending time with family, figure out what’s a reasonable outcome for you. It may be that you simply want to get through lunch without arguing; so consider what has worked or not worked before. Are there topics to avoid? Do you find you have a few drinks to relax, but then that backfires (maybe you get loud, or sad?). Would it help to plan ‘breaks’ into the day, for example going for a walk (or a swim or game of backyard cricket here in Aus), watching a favourite Xmas movie (I’m totally thinking Love Actually – I am vaguely aware that there are other Christmassy movies), or playing a boardgame?

If there are kids in your Christmas, it can help to focus on them; not only as a way to keep it positive, but also it adds to the stress if the kids get tired, hungry, or cranky after being up from 5.00 am waiting for Santa! If you need an excuse to be away from the family for ½ an hour or want to give one of the relatives something to do, maybe pancake making with the kids or making fruit kebabs could keep people occupied and fill little tummies at the same time.

If loneliness is an issue for you at Christmas it’s understandable that may bring increased concern this year, as there is so much uncertainty around travel and whether families and friends will be able to visit each other. Again, acknowledging the concern is a good starting point, and then looking at what would be a good outcome, for example, if having just one other person around would help, then start to think of ways to make that happen; consider other friends or neighbours who would like company. Most people are happy to have an extra person join in and, while it can be tempting to hold off asking, thinking ‘surely someone will realise and ask me to join them’, people aren’t mind readers and often make assumptions. Decide what you would like to happen, and then ask yourself if what you’re currently doing will get you there. Is your goal to entertain, or to have company? The answer to this generates different options, so focusing on your end goal can help you decide what actions you need to take to get there.  

Another biggie at this time of year is grief. The combination of a time for family and friends to gather, followed by New Years and all the hopes and expectations that brings, also brings up grief and loss for many, whether it’s the first Xmas since the loss, or many milestones have passed. Here’s a short blog I wrote at the end of last year with a few tips on grief. Key tips for Christmas would be to acknowledge your feelings and appreciate that it’s normal to feel sadness and grief if you’ve lost someone. Ask for help from friends and family when you need it; those close to you will likely also be reminiscent at this time of year. And also being able to say no if a suggested outing or catch up would be too much for you (but take time to consider whether you’re giving an automatic no, rather than really thinking about the offer).

A major stressor at Christmas is money, and that’s likely to be exacerbated for many this year. There are a number of good resources like the government Moneysmart website to help with budgeting etc so I won’t go into any financial stuff; it’s not my area of professional expertise, or indeed a personal strength! But what I do here is question intent: is this something we need, or really want? Or am I getting it because we ‘should’ have it; because it’s part of the over commercialisation of Christmas?  If I focus more on the intent of having fun with the kids, relaxing and enjoying Xmas, that helps decide what do I actually need to make that happen. Where will I focus time and money to get the most reward.

At our place, some decorations are up, gift shopping is underway, and about 10 times a day I’m reminding myself ‘oh I need to get something sent to so-and-so’, and ‘I need to put money into the collections for teacher gifts’. Oh and ‘I need to plan what I’m cooking this weekend for our pre-Xmas friends get together!’ And my lovely husband reminded me ‘no, you need to remember that it’s just going to be fun to see everyone’.  

This made me think of a Brené Brown blog titled ‘The show must go on. But at what cost?’ As always with Brené, it’s a great reminder about what’s important; following a Christmas where she describes her family’s holiday preparations as a circus, or show, she recognises that “If you sneak a peek behind most people’s red velvet curtains at holiday time, you’ll often see houses brimming with anxiety, maxed-out credit cards, crying children, and marriages that make the cold war look warm and fuzzy.”

Brené goes on to say that in her family this realisation has led to changes, and now the Xmas circus is boiled down to the following two questions;

“Is this a part of us or part of the show?” and “Does it really need to go on?” 

I think the overall message is that Christmas can be very full on, and it’s therefore not surprising that some combination of stress, anxiety, sadness and grief shows up for many people. As at any time of the year; self care is not selfish. Work out what’s important to you and drop the bits that don’t matter. And finally, whatever your view on Christmas and all that comes with it, don't forgot the good foundations of sleep, exercise, moderation, and mindfulness. Take time to ‘switch off’ from the circus and look after yourself. If you need a few tips or strategies on how to actually put that into practice, please give me a shout. Cheers - thanks, Louise